When Someone Only Reaches Out When They Need You

They don’t check in. They don’t ask how you’re doing. They don’t notice when you’ve gone quiet. But the moment they need something, advice, comfort, support, help, they show up in your messages like nothing happened. And part of you responds. Because you care. Because you’re kind. Because you want to be there. But another part of you starts to ache. Not because you don’t want to help, but because you’re not being seen. Because the connection only flows one way. Because you’re treated like a resource, not a relationship. And that hurts.

Why This Happens

Some people don’t mean to be selfish; they’re just emotionally underdeveloped. They reach out in moments of need but never think to reciprocate. They take your stability for granted. They assume you’re always okay. Others do it from habit, because you always respond. But the result is the same: you feel invisible when you need something. You feel like a placeholder in someone else’s life. And it quietly chips away at your self-worth.

What Science Says About One-Sided Relationships

Psychologists call this asymmetrical emotional labor, when one person does all the listening, caring, remembering, and initiating.

• A 2019 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who gave more emotional support than they received were more likely to experience burnout, resentment, and lower self-esteem.

• A 2021 study in Current Psychology found that one-sided support systems can lead to anxiety and emotional fatigue, especially for highly empathetic individuals.

So if you’re drained by this, you’re not imagining it. How to Handle It Without Guilt

Recognize the pattern
If they only come around when they need something, that’s not friendship, that’s convenience.

Pull back, not to punish but to protect
You’re allowed to stop giving instant access to someone who never checks in on you. Boundaries are not drama.

Check your role
Ask yourself:
– Do I feel obligated to respond, even when I’m drained?
– Am I saying yes when I mean no?
– Am I confusing “helpful” with “available 24/7”?

Reinvest in mutual connections
Take the energy you’ve been giving to one-sided relationships and pour it into people who actually make space for you, too.

If needed, say something
You don’t need anger. Try: “Hey, I’ve noticed we mostly talk when something’s wrong on your end. I’d love for our connection to be more balanced.” If they care, they’ll respond with awareness. If not, you’ll have your answer.

Final Thought

You are not just a safe space for other people. You are a person, too, with needs, silences, and moments where you deserve to be held. You are not selfish for wanting mutual effort. You are not cold for wanting to feel remembered. You are not “too much” for needing care without having to earn it every time. So, when someone only reaches out when they need something, ask yourself: When I need something, where are they?

You deserve presence, not just panic.
You deserve a real connection, not just convenience.

Reference

Interpersonal Skills: https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/13643/dealing-with-long-time-friends-that-only-reach-out-when-they-need-something-from

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